Friday, April 16, 2010
i just returned to my blog, long absence, and read my postings. they are so boring! gosh, what was i thinking, well boring is my life. as much as i enjoy what i do, i am unable to express it with any enthusiasm at all. and my spelling and grammar, gee, they were my favorite subjects in school (even though that was 42 years ago)!i know the truth is always the best, so here it is. i have been separated from my husband of 27 years for 3 years now. because i cannot afford to move, cannot find a full time job (but cannot also work full time), i have moved into the back of the house. It used to be my craft room. it is large, has its own entrance and porch and a door separates it from the rest of the house. it does not, however, have its own bath and kitchen. so, i hole up (literally live in my room) when i know that he is home. since all the rage has subsided and he leaves me alone it is tolerable, but unhealthy. my friend today noticed and remarked how i look so troubled, even though i keep up the good front and we always have a good time laughing and sharing stories about work (we are lunch ladies at our local schools), my life is not right, not good for me. she was so sincere and i loved her for noticing. so we talked about what my plans are. my daughter is turning 18 on the 23rd of this month. after that time is when i plan on filing my divorce papers with the court. yes, i know, doing your own divorce is not beneficial in many ways, but i just must be free of this oppression in my life. i have lived with doom and gloom for so long i am so ready to be done with his dark cloud. my (our) 3 children want what's best for me and love me so much. he has never had a relationship with any of them (2 sons and 1 daughter) after the age of 5. that's when they were to grow up and start taking on some responsibilities. I'm not going there, not even knowing i am the only one reading this. i just don't want to think about it anymore. i loved my husband with all my heart and soul, knowing his flaws and willing to love him through it all. i raised my children to love their hardworking father, but as each of them reached the age of reason, they knew what kind of man he was, knew what they were missing, and each formed their own ways of coping. only my oldest son rebelled, my other two have been level headed and tried not to be confrontational. my oldest son has been married 10 years now, a loving wife, two adorable (of course) grandsons, almost 6 and 2-1/2 (with Andrew expected in mid-July). He has asked his dad to be a part of his children's lives and he is their only grandfather. his wife's father passed away before their firstborn. so far, he is being great with them. they love him, and i could not ask for any better. we only talk when necessary (thankfully for me) and i don't really believe he believes i am going through with filing for a divorce. he will react very badly, i will probably stay with friends until he leaves the house and then the whole process will begin. if you are a believer in Jesus Christ and happen upon this post, please pray for me and my daughter. we all know the difficulty our economy has created on so many families and so many people without work. i don't know how we will do, but i do know that my faith in my Savior Jesus Christ will sustain us. good night Jo Ann (me), good night Rebekah, aka becks, good night Ben and Heidi and good night Simon, Mindy, Sam and Peter. i love you all so very much!